Since 2013, I have been playing my trusty clarinet named Clarie… ok, I can’t lie, there have been six different Clarie clarinets in my life, but that is not important. What is important is that I have been around musicians for the majority of my life. Even before I started playing the clarinet, I did music therapy and participated in my elementary school’s choir (and yes, I did learn to play the recorder). My point is, even though I am not majoring in music in college, there is one philosophy that I have learned as a clarinet musician. “Just because you can play an instrument or sing well, does not make you a musician.”
To understand my philosophy of this, I have to go back to the beginning of my clarinet journey. If it wasn’t for my family, I would have never participated in my school’s band. In my mind, I knew I wanted to do something musical, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to play an instrument or sing with my peers. In the end, I chose my school’s band program… except I had one requirement. I would be playing the clarinet. Even when one of the band directors tried to get me to try out the trumpet, I was adamant that I would be playing the clarinet, and that is the instrument I was given.
Was I the best player in the band? Absolutely NOT! I didn’t understand that scales were simply the notes going up and down until four years into my musical journey. I thought that if the stem of a note is hanging down, it had to be a high note. Every time one of my band directors would check my embouchure, my mouthpiece would wiggle in my mouth. Playing in tune was also not my strong suit (but we will get into that later). Even with all of my musical flaws, I made some of the most amazing friends in the band program. We would chat about the songs that we were playing, try to teach each other new fingering on our instruments, and just life in general.
When I moved up to high school, I joined the school’s marching band. Four words I DO NOT LIKE DRILL! Even today, I will tell any of my music friends that. I could not figure out how to properly read my drill charts. I would go one way, and in fact, I was supposed to go the other way. I almost always had to have one of my two band directors on the field to help me learn and memorize the drill. There were a lot of tears when it came to the marching band. However, when I look back at my marching band days, it is one of my best memories from high school. Why? The marching band gave me so many new friends of different ages. I remember my freshman year, all of the seniors hanging out with me when I was alone. The students my age always included me and cheered me up when I felt like giving up. As I got older, the younger students that I connected with made me feel important. The marching band was one big family that went through a lot in the four years I was there. We won competitions, we didn’t win competitions, we phased a pandemic together, marched down Main Street USA (aka Walt Disney World), and made the community around us smile.
High school was also the time when my clarinet skills grew significantly due to starting clarinet lessons in my sophomore year. The crazy thing is, I would never have started clarinet lessons if it wasn’t for one clarinet player who bullied me in my freshman year. I was in the back of the band, and I guess this one kid either had a crush on me or was just in a bad mood. He didn’t say extremely nice things to me. The only thing keeping me in the band at that time was the band directors, my friends, and the fact that we were going to Disney World the next year. From my freshman year to my sophomore year, I went from 14th chair in the concert band to 4th chair in the concert band. The things that a bully can do, I guess?
The rest of my high school band experience went well, even with the pandemic impacting my last year. I ended up moving up to the 5th chair in the symphonic band (a tad more advanced than the concert band). Sure, there were still some hiccups, but if it wasn’t for my clarinet, I don’t think I would have made it through high school.
For the first two years of my college experience, I went to a local community college in my area. I was planning on still taking lessons with my clarinet teacher, but I didn’t know if there would be any musical experiences for me at the school. However, that changed just two weeks into my first year when an old friend told me about the school’s Wind Ensemble. I was thrilled that I would get to still be part of a band. I was not prepared, however, for the number of people in the band. At the time I joined the band program, there were maybe twenty band members, and I was only the second clarinet player in the band. That didn’t matter; the first month of being part of the Wind Ensemble was amazing. I was making new friends and was able to play music, just like I did in high school. I was so happy.
Unfortunately, that didn’t last. Things seemed to shift as I continued in the band program. I started getting attacked by the band program. Every day, I was told that I couldn’t play in tune… sorry, I couldn’t play one note in tune. The band director tried to help me, but things only got worse. Every day, I would go to band knowing what was going to happen, and it did. The tuning would happen, I would be asked to play the note, I would either be told I was so out of tune it was unreal, and a good chunk of the band would make it a scene. Trying to grab my clarinet, they tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing, or that I just wasn’t good enough. More than multiple times, I was told that I sucked, was one of the worst clarinet players, and that the band doesn’t need me. I had severe panic attacks during class and would leave crying almost every day. Some days, I wouldn’t want to go to class, knowing that if I just made one mistake, it would be an uproar in the band.
If this happened to everyone in the band, I maybe would have been more understanding, but it seemed to always be me and the newest clarinet member (who became my best friend in the band). Things got so bad that at the end of the year, I purposely broke my clarinet (the week of our last band concert, might I add). If it wasn’t for my clarinet teacher, I would have had no clarinet for the concert. I knew what was happening wasn’t ok, but what could I do about it? If it wasn’t for my close friends, the band director, and the fact that I got to play music, I probably would have quit after the school year.
The next school year, I was not letting that happen again. I told my band director that I broke the clarinet and more about what was happening behind the scenes. I tried not to throw anyone under the bus, but eventually I had to. If I were going to be part of this band, I needed a little more structure and compassion in the band. Did things get better? Yes. The band director put his foot down a little bit more, and the bullying slowed down a little bit. Things seemed to be looking up. I even joined the school’s sports band and got to play at a bunch of games, but then the craziest, scariest events happened that to this day have still left behind a little bit of trauma.
About midway through the first semester, we were getting ready for our first concert when the band director had a medical emergency during class. It wasn’t just a simple I have a cut and need to leave to get a band-aid. It was a 911 call, ambulance, firetruck, and hospital visit kind of emergency. It was sudden and unexpected. To give you an idea of how severe the emergency was, the band director could have died or been severely impacted if it wasn’t for some amazing band members. The vision of the band director being taken away on a gurney was stuck in my head for days. Believe it or not, the band director came back a week later, and we pulled off the band concert with only one medical emergency backstage from a band member (not as bad as the previous week). However, I was still a little on edge. I almost lost the one person who I felt could protect me during rehearsals, but the band director came back. If they could do that, I could make it through my last semester.
My final semester part of the Wind Ensemble was good, even though my best friend in the band left after that semester (didn’t blame her, to be honest). I stood up for myself more, and the bullying slowed down. I even got a nice exit at my graduation from the band. I was sad to leave some of the people, but I was not sad to leave the experience.
Currently, I am at a university where I have been part of the concert band. In my first year in the program, all of the musicians were kind to me and to everyone. If people were mean to others, I did not see it. The only problem I had in my first year was my trauma from the previous band. I was always on edge and freaked out anytime we tuned or I made a mistake. If it wasn’t for the amazing band director who supported me, I would have struggled extremely. Every week, I would do lessons with my band director every week who helped me calm down before rehearsal.
Everything seemed perfect! Until my band director said that he was stepping down from the concert band the next school year. Yes, I was heartbroken, but I understood. The band director had a lot on their plate, and it seemed right for them to give the responsibility to someone else.
The next semester… was close to a nightmare. First, let me say that the band director who directed the concert band was amazing, and the fact that they were never a band director. However, I was again put in a situation where I had to stand up for myself. Due to the pandemic just four years before this, the enrollment in the college band program had decreased significantly. To give you a rough idea, between the two bands, there were only eight percussionists and six clarinet players. Because I was a non-major, I auditioned for the concert band ONLY, while most people auditioned for both. Then, a “team” would split the bands for rehearsals. I don’t know what team was there to support both bands because when I got the roster back for rehearsals, I noticed something was off. Yes, I was where I expected to be. In the concert band, below the music major clarinets, but there was one small problem. I was the only clarinetist in the band.
The split between the two bands was not even AT ALL. The other band had five clarinets; my band had two (a saxophone player joined me on clarinet, THANK GOODNESS). The other band had six percussionists while my band only had two (how does that work?). Overall, the other band was about double the size of my band. We did get to all play together for part of the concert. I honestly did not enjoy that too much. Most of the clarinets didn’t look at me as part of their section. I got eye rolls every time I walked into class. Anytime the clarinet section was called out, I was the first to be blamed by them, and one time I was even called stupid… FOR DOING THE SAME THING THAT THEY JUST DID!!! Not all of the clarinets were like this, but enough to bother me.
When I talked to the band directors about it. The concert band director was very supportive and wanted to help, but was also restrained by the department. The other band director had a few more things to say. When I emailed them my concerns, I was told that it was my fault that I only auditioned for concert band, they needed to cover Eb clarinet and 4th clarinet (parts that are rarely in music and were never needed that semester), and that they were not setting the concert band up for failure. At the time of writing this, the concert band could not come back the following semester and might not be able to come back next semester. Over half of the concert band quit, including me. However, that was not the end of my music journey.
During this whole nightmare of a band situation, my old band director still gave me weekly lessons and understood the seven times I cried in their office. They are the main reason I made it through that semester of concert band. Honestly, they were probably my number one supporters during all of this. That is why I was so excited when I got to be part of the school’s University Band, where they were the director. BEST COLLEGE BAND THAT I HAVE BEEN A PART OF!!!! There were 10 clarinets, yes TEN! We were all friends, and the music we played was wasaudience-friendlyy. I went from playing a bunch of Russian songs at my community college, unfamiliar songs that confused the audience the previous semester, to playing creative songs, The Lion King, and World Premiering pieces in the University Band (and the concert band before the band director switched). If it wasn’t for the University Band director and the amazing friend I made in both bands, I probably would have given up on playing. Even though I am planning to take a semester off, I am planning to come back better than ever.
So, long story short. What makes a good musician? Yes, playing your instrument really well or being able to sing multiple songs well is important, but kindness is what really makes you a good musician. If you can’t support your fellow musicians in your band or just be kind to them, you can’t be a musician. A musician needs to be able to work together while demonstrating their musical skills. So yes, I have played with a bunch of amazing musicians, but I have also played with a lot of amazing players that aren’t quite at the musician title yet… at least in my opinion.
If you are wondering whether you should learn to play an instrument or learn any new skill. DO IT! No, it will not be easy, but it will be worth it!
Isabella's Inspiration 